How to Let Go of Things You Cannot Control
You’re stuck in traffic, and you’re going to be late. You’re furious, gripping the steering wheel, as if the force of your anger could somehow make the cars in front of you disappear. You’re worried about a loved one’s health, and you spend your nights endlessly searching for information online, as if you could find the one piece of data that will solve the problem. In these moments, we are caught in a painful and exhausting struggle with a fundamental truth of life: there are many things that are completely outside of our control.
At Televero Health, we help our patients to see that a huge amount of our anxiety and suffering comes from this futile struggle. Learning to distinguish between what you can control and what you cannot, and then having the courage to let go of the latter, is one of the most profound skills you can learn for your mental peace. It is the essence of the famous Serenity Prayer.
The Control Dichotomy
The ancient Stoic philosophers had a powerful concept they called the “dichotomy of control.” They taught that everything in life can be divided into two categories:
- Things that are within our complete control.
- Things that are not within our complete control.
The list of things in the second category is vast. It includes other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. It includes the past and the future. It includes the weather, the economy, and the fact that we will all get sick and die. It even includes our own automatic emotional reactions.
The list of things in the first category is actually very small. It really only includes our own choices, our own actions, and our own willful thoughts in this present moment. The Stoics argued that the secret to a tranquil life is to focus 100% of your energy on the things you can control and to practice a calm acceptance of the things you cannot.
Why Is Letting Go So Hard?
We resist letting go because, on some level, we believe that our worry and our struggle are somehow productive. We believe that if we just worry hard enough, we can prevent a bad thing from happening. We believe that if we stay angry enough about the past, we can somehow change it. But this is an illusion. Your worry does not change the future. Your anger does not change the past. These struggles only serve to cause you suffering in the present.
Letting go can also feel like giving up or being passive. But it is the opposite. It is an active and courageous choice. It is the act of wisely conserving your precious energy for the things you can actually influence.
Practical Skills for Letting Go
Letting go is a practice. It’s a muscle you have to build over time. Here are some techniques you can work on in therapy and in your life.
1. Name What You Can and Cannot Control
When you find yourself in a stressful situation, take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write down all the aspects of the situation that are outside of your control. On the other side, write down the aspects that are within your control. This simple act of sorting can bring immense clarity. It helps you to see where your energy is best spent.
2. Practice Mindfulness and Acceptance
Mindfulness is the core skill for letting go. It is the practice of observing your thoughts and feelings without getting attached to them. When a worried thought about the future pops into your head, you can learn to just notice it (“There’s a thought about the future”) without having to believe it or to get into a fight with it. You are learning to let the thoughts and feelings pass through you like clouds in the sky.
3. Use a “Letting Go” Ritual
Sometimes, a physical ritual can help to symbolize the mental act of letting go. You could:
- Write it down and let it go. Write your worry or your resentment on a piece of paper, and then safely burn it or tear it into tiny pieces.
- Use a mantra. When you find yourself struggling, you can repeat a simple phrase to yourself, like “This is not mine to control,” or “I accept this moment as it is.”
- Visualize it. Imagine placing your worry on a leaf and watching it float away down a stream.
4. Focus on Your Values
Once you have let go of the struggle with what you can’t control, you can pivot your attention to what you can: your actions in this moment. Ask yourself, “Given this difficult situation that I cannot change, how can I act in a way that is aligned with my values? What kind of person do I want to be right now?” This shifts you from a place of powerless anxiety to a place of empowered, value-driven action.
Learning to let go is a lifelong practice of humility and wisdom. It is the path to finding peace, not in a perfect, controllable world, but in the messy, unpredictable, and beautiful reality of the one we actually live in.
Key Takeaways
- A huge amount of our psychological suffering comes from trying to control things that are outside of our control.
- The key to peace is to learn to distinguish between what you can and cannot control, and to focus your energy only on what you can.
- You can control your own actions and choices in the present moment; you cannot control the past, the future, or other people.
- Letting go is an active skill that you can practice through mindfulness, acceptance, and by consciously shifting your focus to value-driven action.
Ready to take the first step? We can help. Get started with Televero Health today.