Exploring Anger and Developing Healthy Ways to Express It
Your face gets hot, your jaw clenches, and you feel a surge of energy that feels like it could explode. This is anger. It is one of our most basic and powerful human emotions. Yet, for many of us, it is also the most misunderstood and frightening. We might have been taught that anger is “bad” or that “nice” people don’t get angry. So, we learn to suppress it, to bottle it up, until it either leaks out in unhealthy ways or makes us sick.
At Televero Health, we help our patients understand that anger itself is not the problem. Anger is a healthy, normal, and often helpful emotion. It is a signal, an alarm bell that tells you that a boundary has been crossed, an injustice has occurred, or a need is not being met. The problem is not the anger; the problem is what we do with it. Therapy can help you to develop a healthier relationship with your anger and to learn to express it in a way that is constructive, not destructive.
The Cost of Unexpressed Anger
When you don’t have a healthy way to express your anger, it doesn’t just disappear. It gets turned inward or it leaks out sideways.
- Anger Turned Inward: When you swallow your anger, it can morph into other, more socially “acceptable” feelings. Suppressed anger is a major contributing factor to depression, anxiety, and a wide range of physical symptoms like headaches and digestive problems. It can also lead to a deep sense of powerlessness.
- Anger Leaking Out Sideways: Unexpressed anger can also manifest in passive-aggressive behaviors. This can include sarcasm, chronic lateness, the “silent treatment,” or making subtle digs at people. This indirect expression of anger can be very damaging to your relationships because it creates an atmosphere of confusion and mistrust.
The Difference Between Anger and Aggression
It is crucial to understand that anger and aggression are not the same thing. Anger is an internal feeling. Aggression is an external behavior. Aggression is one possible, and usually unhealthy, way to express anger. It involves lashing out, blaming, shouting, or even physical violence. The goal of aggression is to control, intimidate, or harm the other person.
The goal of healthy anger expression, on the other hand, is not to harm, but to communicate. It is about assertively and respectfully stating your feeling, your need, or your boundary. It is about solving a problem, not winning a fight.
Skills for Healthy Anger Expression
Learning to express anger constructively is a skill that you can develop in therapy. It involves a few key steps.
- Recognize Your Early Warning Signs: Anger doesn’t usually go from zero to sixty in an instant. There are often physical warning signs that it is building. Pay attention to your body. Do you start to feel hot? Does your jaw clench? Do your muscles get tense? Learning to spot these early signs gives you a chance to intervene before you get overwhelmed.
- Take a Time-Out: When you notice your anger rising, the most skillful thing you can do is to take a break. This is not the same as suppressing your feeling. It is a conscious choice to give your “fight-or-flight” system a chance to calm down so you can think more clearly. You can say, “I’m feeling too angry to talk about this right now. I need to take 20 minutes to cool down.” During your time-out, you can use a coping skill like deep breathing or going for a walk.
- Identify the Underlying Feeling or Need: Anger is often a “secondary” emotion. It’s the protective shield that covers up more vulnerable feelings like hurt, fear, or shame. Get curious. What is underneath your anger? What is the unmet need that is being triggered? Are you feeling disrespected? Unheard? Frightened?
- Communicate Assertively: Once you are calm and clear, you can express yourself using the assertive “I” statement formula: “I feel [your emotion] when [the specific behavior] because [the impact on you]. What I need is [your specific request].” For example: “I feel angry and disrespected when you make jokes about my work in front of our friends because it undermines me. I need you to stop doing that.”
Your anger is a valid and valuable source of information. By learning to listen to it, to understand its message, and to express it in a healthy, assertive way, you can transform it from a destructive force into a powerful catalyst for positive change in your life and your relationships.
Key Takeaways
- Anger is a normal, healthy emotion that signals a boundary has been crossed or a need is unmet; the problem is not the feeling, but how we express it.
- Unexpressed anger can turn into depression or leak out in passive-aggressive ways.
- Healthy anger expression is assertive (communicating your needs respectfully), not aggressive (attacking the other person).
- To manage anger, learn to recognize your warning signs, take a time-out to cool down, identify the underlying need, and then communicate using “I” statements.
Ready to take the first step? We can help. Get started with Televero Health today.