The Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Communication

You need to ask your boss for a raise. You need to tell your partner that you’re upset about something they did. You need to ask your roommate to clean up their mess. These situations can be uncomfortable because they require you to state your needs, and that can feel risky. How do you communicate what you want without coming across as either a pushover or a bully? The answer lies in understanding the crucial difference between assertive and aggressive communication.

At Televero Health, we teach communication skills as a core part of therapy because how we interact with others has a huge impact on our relationships and our self-esteem. Learning to be assertive is a skill that can empower you to get your needs met while still maintaining respect for the other person.

Four Basic Communication Styles

To understand assertiveness, it’s helpful to see it in the context of the four basic styles of communication.

  1. Passive: A passive communicator avoids expressing their feelings or needs. They allow others to infringe on their rights and tend to put everyone else’s needs before their own. They often use phrases like, “It doesn’t matter,” or “Whatever you want is fine.” The underlying belief is, “Your needs are more important than mine.” This style often leads to feelings of resentment and low self-worth.
  2. Aggressive: An aggressive communicator expresses their feelings and needs in a way that violates the rights of others. They can be verbally or even physically abusive, trying to dominate and control. They often blame, criticize, and attack. The underlying belief is, “My needs are more important than yours.” This style can lead to alienation, conflict, and guilt.
  3. Passive-Aggressive: This is a sneaky style of communication where a person appears passive on the surface but is actually acting out their anger in indirect ways. This can include sarcasm, the “silent treatment,” or “forgetting” to do things. The underlying belief is, “I’m not allowed to be angry, so I’ll get back at you indirectly.” This style breeds confusion and mistrust.
  4. Assertive: This is the healthy middle ground. An assertive communicator clearly and respectfully expresses their own feelings and needs, while also listening to and respecting the needs of others. They stand up for their own rights without violating the rights of anyone else. The underlying belief is, “My needs are important, and your needs are important, too.”

The Hallmarks of Assertive Communication

Assertiveness is a skill that you can learn and practice. It involves both what you say and how you say it.

What you say:

  • Use “I” Statements: This is the most important tool. An “I” statement focuses on your own feelings and experience, rather than blaming the other person. Instead of, “You never listen to me,” (which is aggressive), try, “I feel hurt when I’m interrupted because it makes me feel like you’re not listening.”
  • Be Clear and Specific: Don’t hint at what you want. State your need or your request clearly and directly. “I would like you to help me with the dishes tonight.”
  • Express Your Feelings Calmly: It’s okay to say you are angry or hurt, but do so in a calm and controlled way.

How you say it:

  • Maintain a Confident Tone of Voice: Speak in a firm, clear, and even tone.
  • Use Good Eye Contact: Looking the other person in the eye shows that you are sincere and confident.
  • Have a Relaxed Body Posture: Stand or sit up straight, with a relaxed but confident posture.

Assertiveness Is Not About Winning

It’s important to remember that being assertive does not guarantee that you will get what you want. The other person still has the right to say “no.” The goal of assertive communication is not to control the outcome or to “win” the argument. The goal is to express yourself authentically and respectfully. It is about honoring your own needs and feelings, regardless of the other person’s response. When you communicate assertively, you can walk away from any interaction with your self-respect intact, and that is a victory in itself.

Key Takeaways

  • Assertive communication is the healthy middle ground between being passive (a doormat) and being aggressive (a bully).
  • Assertiveness is about expressing your own needs and feelings clearly and respectfully, while also respecting the needs and feelings of others.
  • The most important tool for assertive communication is the “I” statement, which focuses on your own experience without blaming the other person.
  • The goal of being assertive is not to win or to get your way, but to communicate authentically and to maintain your self-respect.

Ready to take the first step? We can help. Get started with Televero Health today.