The Gap Between How Others See You and How You Feel Inside

On the outside, you look like you have it together. But inside, it’s a different story. And that gap between what others see and what you feel is exhausting.

At Televero Health, we meet people every day who are living with this divide. From the outside, they appear successful, put-together, even enviable. But internally, they feel uncertain, inadequate, or like they’re just waiting to be exposed as frauds. The effort of maintaining that external image while managing their internal reality is draining them in ways others can’t see.

Maybe you know this feeling. Maybe you’ve heard friends or colleagues say, “You always seem so confident” or “I wish I had it together like you do,” and felt a pang of dissonance because their perception feels so different from your lived experience. Maybe you’ve gotten good at showing the world a carefully curated version of yourself while keeping your doubts, fears, and struggles hidden from view.

This gap between others’ perceptions and your internal reality has a name: psychologists sometimes call it the “impostor phenomenon.” It’s that sense that you’re somehow fooling everyone, that your accomplishments or capabilities aren’t really yours, that it’s just a matter of time before others discover the “truth” about you.

But here’s what we’ve learned from working with countless people who experience this gap: it’s not evidence that you’re an impostor or a fraud. It’s a reflection of a culture that encourages us to share only our highlight reels, never our behind-the-scenes footage. It’s a result of comparing your full internal experience (with all its complexity and messiness) to others’ carefully curated external presentations.

The truth is, almost everyone has some version of this gap. Almost everyone shows the world a more polished, more certain, more put-together version of themselves than what they experience internally. The problem isn’t that the gap exists. The problem is that when we don’t talk about it, we each think we’re the only ones experiencing it. We each believe we’re uniquely inadequate or deceitful, when in reality, we’re experiencing a nearly universal human phenomenon.

The cost of maintaining this gap can be significant. It can leave you feeling chronically exhausted from the effort of keeping up appearances. It can create a sense of isolation, as if no one truly knows the real you. It can make moments of recognition or praise feel hollow or anxiety-provoking rather than affirming. And it can keep you in a constant state of vigilance, always on guard against the possibility of being “found out.”

What we’ve found in our work is that healing this gap doesn’t necessarily mean eliminating it entirely. It’s natural and appropriate to present different aspects of yourself in different contexts. But healing does mean reducing the tension and disconnection that come from feeling like you’re living a double life. It means finding safe spaces where you can be more fully yourself, without the constant pressure to appear perfect or infallible.

For many people, therapy becomes one of those safe spaces — a place where they can lay down the weight of appearing to have it all together and simply be honest about their experience. A place where they discover that their internal doubts, fears, and imperfections don’t make them frauds; they make them human.

From this place of greater authenticity, something interesting often happens. The gap doesn’t disappear entirely, but it begins to feel less like a deception and more like a normal navigation of different social contexts. The energy that once went into maintaining a perfect facade can be redirected toward genuine connection, growth, and self-acceptance.

We’ve seen people transform their relationship with this gap in profound ways. The executive who always felt like she was just one mistake away from being exposed as a fraud discovered that acknowledging her uncertainty actually enhanced her leadership. The parent who felt they had to appear perfect for their children found that showing appropriate vulnerability created more authentic family connections. The friend who always positioned himself as the problem-solver discovered that allowing others to support him deepened his relationships rather than weakening them.

What might change for you if the gap between how others see you and how you feel inside felt less like a burden to carry and more like a natural part of being human? What might become possible if you could be a little more real, a little more human, a little more yourself with the people in your life?

You don’t have to solve this all at once. You don’t have to suddenly become completely transparent with everyone you meet. But you might begin by asking yourself: Where in my life could I experiment with being a little more authentic? With whom might I share a bit more of my real experience? What would it be like to be known, not just for the polished image I present, but for the complex, imperfect, fully human person that I am?

Ready to explore what it might be like to bridge the gap and live more authentically? Start here.