The Link Between People-Pleasing and Anxiety
A coworker asks you to take on an extra project, even though you’re already swamped. You want to say no, but the words get stuck in your throat. You hear yourself saying, “Sure, no problem,” while inside, a wave of anxiety and resentment washes over you. Does this sound familiar? This compulsive need to please others, often at the expense of your own needs and well-being, is known as people-pleasing. And it is one of the most common and powerful drivers of anxiety.
At Televero Health, we help our patients to see that people-pleasing is not a character trait; it is a learned coping strategy. It is a form of self-protection that is driven by a deep-seated fear. Therapy can help you to understand the roots of this pattern and to build the self-worth you need to start honoring your own needs.
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is a pattern of behavior characterized by an intense desire to gain the approval and avoid the disapproval of others. A people-pleaser’s sense of self-worth is externally referenced; it depends on what other people think of them. They believe, often unconsciously, “If everyone likes me, then I am okay. If someone is mad at me, then I am bad.”
This leads to a number of characteristic behaviors:
- You have a very hard time saying “no.”
- You agree with others, even when you secretly disagree.
- You apologize frequently, even for things that are not your fault.
- You feel responsible for how other people feel.
- You go to great lengths to avoid conflict.
- You feel resentful and drained, but you keep saying “yes.”
The Anxiety Connection: What Are You So Afraid Of?
People-pleasing is an anxiety-management strategy. The core of the pattern is fear. By trying to make everyone happy and to anticipate their every need, you are trying to control their perception of you to avoid a feared outcome. What is that feared outcome? For most people-pleasers, it is the fear of:
- Rejection: “If I say no, they won’t like me anymore.”
- Abandonment: “If I disappoint them, they will leave me.”
- Conflict: “If I state my own opinion, it will cause an argument.”
This pattern is often learned in childhood. If you grew up in an environment where you had to be the “good kid” to keep the peace or to earn the love of an emotionally unavailable parent, you learned that your safety and worth depended on suppressing your own needs and pleasing others. This becomes your default mode in all of your relationships.
The Vicious Cycle
The problem is that this strategy, while it may feel safer in the short term, actually creates more anxiety in the long run. It creates a vicious cycle:
- You say “yes” to something you don’t want to do.
- You feel anxious about your ability to do it and resentful that you agreed to it.
- You neglect your own needs, leading to burnout and exhaustion.
- Your relationships feel inauthentic because you are not showing up as your true self.
- Your self-esteem remains low because your worth is still dependent on external validation.
The very strategy you are using to reduce your anxiety is actually one of its primary sources.
How Therapy Helps You Break the Cycle
Breaking the people-pleasing pattern is the work of building a solid sense of self-worth that comes from within, not from without. Therapy is a powerful place to do this work.
- Explore the Roots: Your therapist can help you to understand the family dynamics and early experiences that taught you to be a people-pleaser.
- Build Self-Worth: You will work to identify your own values, strengths, and needs. You will learn that you have inherent worth, regardless of what anyone else thinks of you.
- Practice Setting Boundaries: As we’ve discussed, learning to say “no” is a core skill. The therapy room is a safe place to practice this. You will start small and build your “boundary muscle” over time.
- Learn to Tolerate Discomfort: Setting a boundary will feel uncomfortable at first. It will trigger your anxiety. Your therapist can teach you distress tolerance skills to help you to sit with that discomfort without giving in. You will learn that you can survive someone else’s disapproval.
Letting go of people-pleasing is a journey of learning to please yourself first. It is the brave and liberating process of learning that your own needs are valid, and you have a right to honor them.
Key Takeaways
- People-pleasing is an anxiety-driven pattern where you try to gain approval and avoid conflict by putting everyone else’s needs before your own.
- It is often rooted in a deep fear of rejection or abandonment that was learned in childhood.
- While it may feel safer in the short term, this pattern ultimately creates more anxiety, resentment, and burnout.
- Therapy can help you to break the cycle by building your internal sense of self-worth and by teaching you the practical skill of setting healthy boundaries.
Ready to take the first step? We can help. Get started with Televero Health today.