Understanding Your Relationship with Control

Do you feel a constant need to manage every detail of your life? Do you make endless to-do lists, plan for every possible contingency, and feel a surge of anxiety when things don’t go according to plan? Do you find yourself trying to manage other people’s choices and feelings? This drive to be in control is a common human experience. In a world that often feels chaotic and unpredictable, control can feel like safety. But when the need for control becomes excessive, it can become a major source of the very anxiety it’s trying to prevent.

At Televero Health, we help our patients explore their relationship with control. Therapy can help you to see where your need for control is serving you and where it is hurting you. It’s about learning the wisdom to know the difference between what you can control and what you cannot, and finding the peace that comes with letting go.

Why We Crave Control

The need for control is rooted in a fundamental need for safety. Our brains are wired to scan for threats and to seek predictability. When we feel in control, we feel safe. When things feel out of our control, our anxiety levels rise. For people who grew up in chaotic or unpredictable environments, the need for control can become a deeply ingrained survival strategy. As a child, you may have learned that being hyper-responsible and trying to manage everything was the only way to feel a sense of stability.

The problem is that this strategy, while understandable, is based on a false premise: the idea that we can, and should, be in control of everything. This sets us up for a constant battle with reality, because the truth is, most things in life are outside of our direct control.

The Paradox of Control

The great paradox of control is that the more we try to control the uncontrollable, the more out of control we feel. When you try to control things like other people’s feelings, the future, or your own anxious thoughts, you are guaranteed to fail. This failure then creates more anxiety, which makes you try to grip the reins even tighter, creating a vicious cycle of anxiety and control.

For example, you might be terrified that your partner will leave you. To control this fear, you might become controlling of their behavior, constantly checking up on them or telling them who they can and can’t see. This controlling behavior, ironically, is the very thing that is most likely to push them away, creating the very outcome you were trying to prevent.

The Path to Peace: Letting Go

The way out of this trap is to shift your focus from what you cannot control to what you can. This is a central theme in many forms of therapy, including Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

What can’t you control?

• Other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.
• The past and the future.
• The fact that uncertainty and pain are parts of life.
• The automatic thoughts and feelings that pop into your mind.

What can you control?

• Your own actions and behaviors.
• Your own choices.
• Where you place your attention.
• How you respond to your thoughts and feelings.

The work of therapy is to help you to practice this shift. It’s about learning to accept the reality of what you cannot change, and then committing to taking action in the areas where you do have influence. This is the essence of the famous Serenity Prayer.

This might involve:

• Practicing mindfulness to learn to observe your anxious thoughts without trying to control or get rid of them.
• Identifying your values to guide your actions, so that your choices are based on what matters to you, not on what your anxiety is demanding.
• Setting boundaries to stop yourself from trying to manage other people’s lives.
• Practicing self-compassion when you feel the urge to control, recognizing it as a sign of your fear.

Letting go of control is not about being passive or weak; it is an act of profound strength and wisdom. It is the choice to stop fighting a battle you can never win and to instead pour your energy into building a life that is rich and meaningful, even in the face of uncertainty.

Key Takeaways

• The need for control is a natural human desire for safety, but an excessive need for it can become a major source of anxiety.
• The paradox of control is that the more you try to control things you cannot control (like other people or the future), the more out of control you feel.
• The key to peace is to shift your focus from what you cannot control to what you can: your own actions, choices, and responses.
• Therapy can help you to practice this skill of letting go through mindfulness, clarifying your values, and setting healthy boundaries.

Ready to take the first step? We can help. Get started with Televero Health today.